I do think it’s true that many young men crave a sense of confidence but struggle to find ways of cultivating it. And they may become attracted to messages that explain away their feelings of inadequacy: It’s feminists, it’s liberals, it’s my teachers, it’s my boss. They may even come to idolize the kind of aggression and macho bravado that ultimate fighting offers, and that our president deploys in business, politics, international relations and, yes, the promotion of over-the-top M.M.A. events.
When I first walked into a fight gym, I’d recently moved across the country to a new city, for my wife’s job, and I was feeling a bit unmoored. I confess that I fantasized a little bit about a reborn version of myself — lean and dangerous, somebody not to be messed with. But that’s not quite what I’ve found while training, and it’s not why I’ve stuck with muay Thai. Instead, the sport has helped me in ways I never expected. I’ve learned that legitimate fight gyms offer an alternative vision for what men ought to be.
Like other difficult sports, muay Thai teaches you that purpose and pride can be earned through hard work — and that you are responsible for building your own confidence by pushing your physical and mental limits. Muay Thai training has also given me a sense of poise and tempered confidence I don’t think I could have found anywhere else.
Not long ago, my wife and I had our first child and, in the months after his birth, the stress and sleeplessness started to get to me. There were moments that I felt anger and frustration rising — most often at myself, at how much work having an infant turned out to be, and how unprepared I felt. Each time this happened, I recalled an exercise we do at the gym called a flinch drill: A partner rains down punches on you while you do your utmost to remain calm and watchful behind your guard, parrying and blocking whenever possible. Because of that drill, I’d learned to use breath work and mindfulness to alleviate my stress response. In the most difficult moments of early parenthood, that’s exactly what I did.
People might imagine combat sports as all about anger, brutality and aggression. But being calm under fire — calm always — is one of the first attributes taught in muay Thai. Composure is valued above all else and respect for one’s rivals is close behind. For this reason, accomplished fighters are well prepared to keep their cool.
