But these issues are not in themselves reason to abstain from heterosexuality entirely. The argument for hetero-optimism is not to ignore problems but to highlight that, despite what heteropessimism might have you believe, these problems are lessening over time. Heteropessimism is about abandoning progress; an optimist would instead seek to solve problems and continue to grow.
One problem with heteropessimism is its tendency to closely link personal choices with politics. Rebecca L. Davis, a historian and the author of a history of sex in America, said the second-wave feminist slogan “the personal is political” had seeped too deeply into the public consciousness. The slogan, she told me, insists that many things once seen as personal failures should be viewed as results of structural problems. The feminism of the 1970s emphasized that the problem was not with “the male sex,” but rather that society as a whole was flawed. Heteropessimists take “the personal is political” as a literal, narrow axiom, returning responsibility to the individual, rather than focusing on social pressures.
For feminists like Andrea Dworkin, that meant viewing dating men as a failure of personal politics. It’s the same type of thinking that leads contemporary young women to ask, “Why does having a boyfriend feel Republican?” Dr. Davis doesn’t think that framework is quite right. “Big, structural problems” might perpetuate inequalities, she explained, but seeing heterosexuality “as a problem,” and one that “dooms you to a certain kind of disappointment,” fails to address the root of the problem. It may, in fact, create new problems in itself.
It’s tempting to give up on the quest for love. But here again we are mistaking our freedom of choice for a lack.
Three years ago, I argued that we all need to “have more sex.” That was, in part, literal. But mostly, it was about perspective. Our society is atomizing, becoming less connected. There’s a sex recession on, after all. What we needed then, and need now, is a renewed cultural emphasis on human connection — including sex and love. These are social goods. The beauty of contemporary heterosexuality is that women have the option to engage with it or not. We are forgetting that pessimism is an attitude. It may have a material origin, but it is not itself reality. This, too, is another one of the liberties we are able to enjoy: We can choose to eschew pessimism in favor of optimism.
